‘Teach us how to live after death'

Temple Beth El marks Holocaust remembrance with speaker who studies survival Monroe — More than 100 people came to Temple Beth El in Monroe this past Monday for Yom HaShoah— the annual remembrance of the Holocaust. A handout that evening, however, emphasized that the victims were to be remembered always and throughout the year. The service began with singing and continued with a harp solo. After that a procession went down the center isle by twos — each two consisting of a youngster with a flower and someone two generations older carrying a candle. Judy Ronay then introduced Dr. Yael Danieli as the evening’s main speaker. Danieli received a doctorate in psychology from New York University and wrote her dissertation on Holocaust victims and their children. Among her conclusions: Some survivors coped by sustaining a hope of reuniting with their family, and part of that group never learned of their family’s circumstances. Some did not marry because they did not want to “bring children into this evil world.” Some entered into what Danieli referred to as “marriages of despair.” These were marriages between couples that were acquainted for a few days or weeks, creating a new family to undo their loneliness. Most of the children of these marriages were named after those who had perished in the Holocaust. These children were viewed by their parents as representing the future in a world free of oppression. Danieli focused the rest of her presentation specifically on those survivors that immigrated to the United States after World War II. The majority of those who came here encountered discrimination and avoidance, and some were even confronted with denial of the Holocaust. Many were blamed for “going like sheep to the slaughter” or accused of committing immoral acts to survive. After encountering this reaction, many refused to discuss their past and withdrew completely into their newly established families. Some quoted Elie Wiesel: “Victims suffer more from the indifference of the onlooker than the cruelty of the oppressor.” Danieli described four types of U.S. families headed by Holocaust survivors that were found in her research. “Victim Families” were marked by depression, worry, mistrust and fear of the outside world. Children in these families were used by their parents to deal with outsiders and trained to be survivors of future holocausts. “Fighting Families” were parented by those whose motto was “Never Again.” The children of these parents had to become fighters, too. “Numb Families” were parented by those who lost immediate family members “in front of their eyes.” The loss always seemed to them to have “just happened ten minutes ago,” so they couldn’t be happy or normal. Neither could their children. “Families in Denial” were parented by those whose motto was “We Made It.” They and their children wanted to be sure to “make it big in America.” These families were very successful but have high rates of divorce and suicide. They became victims of the adage: “What cannot be talked about also cannot be put to rest.” Danieli has been invited by the governments of Bosnia and Rwanda to help after genocide had taken place in those countries. A Rwandan official asked her: “Dr. Danieli, will you bring some Holocaust survivors here to teach us how to live after death?”