'We learned we were not alone'
By Christine Urio
MONROE — The Transgender Family Alliance for Support and Teaching (TFAST) is a new Monroe support group geared toward helping parents, families, and friends of individuals who are transgender or gender non-conforming to accept what's going on with their loved ones or friends, be positive, and integrate their knowledge and feelings so they can come to peace with what they see happening.
Randi and Bob Barlow, TFAST facilitators, were inspired to start this group as a result of their personal experience with their son.
"We have two children, both of whom we originally thought were girls,” Barlow said. “As it turns out, one was a boy who had been born into the wrong body. Fortunately, he was able to transition to the gender he was always meant to be.”
Their son, now 26 years old, lives in Brooklyn and has a successful career in education.
During the time of his transition, the Barlows attended a support group in Manhattan which was “unbelievingly helpful and amazing” for them. They decided to start their own local support group, based on that group, to provide comfort and assistance that was a little closer to home for others going through similar situations.
"When we were dealing with our son's decision to transition, we felt confused, scared and alone at times," Barlow said. "However, we fortunately discovered that there was a support group for parents of transgender kids that met monthly in Manhattan. Attending these meetings was beneficial in so many ways. We learned that we were not alone in our fear, in our worry, in our sense of loss—that support group was truly a lifeline for us, and we wanted to provide a similar lifeline for family members of transgender and gender non-conforming people here in the Hudson Valley."
TFAST meetings are held in the Barlows' home and are run in an open forum format, allowing people to share and offer support, ask questions, share resources and experiences, and overall, be therapeutic.
However, while the premise of this group is about transgender and gender non-conforming individuals, TFAST is geared more toward friends and family members who know these individuals.
“Our experience with offering a support group is that families need to be 100 percent open and share those feelings they’re having,” Randi Barlow said.
Because of the emotions families and friends may have concerning the ongoing situation of their loved one, it's exceedingly important for these people to have a place where they can express themselves freely, she explained.
“If those feelings are negative at first, you need to share the disgust and shame and you have, and if a young transgender person is in your presence, you may feel restricted to express that—we don’t want to reject anyone, but we want it to be a safe space for family members,” Randi Barlow said.
While society continues to hear more about these issues, attention seems to focus on the feelings of these individuals. But so are the feelings of their families and friends, according to the Barlows.
“It’s important for parents to feel about this, they have to deal with what’s going on with their children, and the less scary it is for them, the better it will become for their children,” Randi Barlow said.
The support group helps foster a sense of community within the town as a whole.
“The group brings people together into a safe space with others who are sharing this similar experience,” said Randi Barlow. “I think that when you have something you’re dealing with you feel really alone, it's opposite of community, so it’s helping bring people together who feel alone.”
“A big reason we’re doing this is in spirit of giving back and paying it forward,” said Bob Barlow. “It was a life saver for us and if we can play a similar role in some way for somebody else, that makes us really happy.”
However, the kindness and understanding expressed in the meetings doesn't have to stop there—it can be promoted throughout daily life, they felt.
“In general, before people react to something they may not understand or feel threatened by, they need to try to take a moment to step outside themselves and think what it might be like to be that other person,” said Randi Barlow. "So much, I think, of any kind of prejudice or bias come out of fear and ignorance. The more people are exposed to these issues directly, the more they can understand, learn about it, and be kinder.”
Bob Barlow added education remains important.
“The more people educate themselves, the more empathetic they’re going to be—openness and honesty are such good policies” he said. “There is a lot of ignorance out there, and it’s important for people to know what’s going on.”
With support groups such as this, along with a chapter of Parents, Friends and Family of Gays and Lesbians (PFLAG) beginning in Warwick, and local organizations such as the Orange County New York (OCNY) Pride Center, a place for LGBTQ members to learn, advocate, and fight against discrimination, access to support and education is now easier.
For those going through transgender or gender non-conforming issues, whether personally or as a bystander, the Barlows advise them to not despair.
“It gets better,” said Bob Barlow. “There are so many more resources out there, it's better now than it was years ago in terms of accessing them.”
His wife added: "Try to be as authentic as you can to yourself — don’t hold back because that can be so harmful to repress who you are.”
Essential information:
Email: tfastgroup@gmai.com
Telephone: 845 783-4475
TFAST has a 100 percent privacy policy. No one can share with others the names of people they meet at meetings which are held the first Sunday of every month from 2 to 4 p.m. at the Barlows' home.